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Sunday, August 4, 2013

defeated

Defeated...but positively.

Other synonyms might be: conquered, overcome, beaten, overthrown, etc.

As in, I'm learning to defeat my demons, my food and consumption demons as it were.

As a kid, teenager, and young adult. I was addicted to Coke. The full-on sugar-laden, chemically enhanced, artificially and naturally flavored and colored Coke. By my thirties, I had pretty much conquered my addiction with a few lapses on the way. When I was addicted, it was an oasis of self medication. It was my salvation, my sanctuary, and my solace. It woke me up when I was sleepy, it calmed me when I was agitated, it would help me fall asleep at night (although I'm sure the rest that followed wasn't ideal).

So although I'm still not perfect, I don't crave it. I think I was able to overcome any recent, recent being the last 8-10 years, cravings by thinking of it as the poison that it is.

It reminds of what my Dad would say about smoking. He had a heart attack scare in his early 30s. Having lost his own father, also a heavy smoker, when he was 12, he was scared straight. He always said, "no matter how much I liked smoking, I realized it certainly wasn't helping anything so why do it." I only wish my Mom could've realized the same, may she rest in peace.

So soda, and subsequently any sugar cravings, aren't helping me, so why do it.

Not that this makes everything easier with sunshine, rainbows, and ahhhhhh angels singing but it gives me some much needed perspective.

On a side note, I have a bad habit of cursing too. I know all the reasons not to curse and I even agree with them but something about a curse getting any tension out of me in one breath always made me feel better. Then recently, I heard a different reason not to curse: by cursing you're summoning demons. And if there's any food demons involved, be gone with you and the hole you crawled out of! Heh. With all the other reasons not to, this is the one that got me.

Even though there's tons of reasons not to drink Coke or curse, it's thinking of Coke as a poison and cursing as summoning demons that got me.

Whatever works, I say.

So yeah, although my mother was defeated by her smoking, my dad still has several poisons doing him in. He's not well. He still drinks soda and has been battling diabetes, heart disease (already had 5-bypass), and most recently Parkinson's. Although Parkinson's has been in our family before, I can't help but think his food addictions brought on his late-in-life onset of the disease. In his own words, "it certainly doesn't help."

So why do it.

I see my reflection in my Dad. I've always followed in his footsteps like my brother followed in my Mother's. But the reflection is a peek in the future. It's not set in stone.

It doesn't have to be me.

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